I recently came across a post on the blog Bees and Beans written about guilt vs. regret when it comes to breastfeeding or more accurately not breastfeeding. This is something I’ve talked about for a long time and feel that JoEllen has done a wonderful job discussing the difference and why so often it is regret, and not guilt, that a woman feels when she has been unable to breastfeed. I would add that many moms who have had difficulty breastfeeding and end up bottlefeeding also deal with a lot of grief. Our society, however, doesn’t recognize the emotional impact of breastfeeding and so many moms are left feeling as though there is something wrong with them or that what they are feeling and experiencing is not normal. But it absolutely is!

JoEllen has kindly given me permission to repost her article in its entirety here. I hope you enjoy and appreciate it as much as I did.

Guilt vs. Regret in Regards to Breastfeeding by JoEllen Noble

i deal with this very thing almost every single day at work.

i see it expressed by mothers in online forums each time breastfeeding is the topic at hand.

many mothers state that they feel guilty because they had to stop breastfeeding for one reason or the other. they say that for those of us out there in the trenches desperately working to promote and normalize breastfeeding, our thought-provoking one liners and quotes of encouragement further cement their guilt.

i’m hear to tell you dear mothers, that what you feel is not guilt.

no, it isn’t.

what you do feel is regret, and that my friends, is a horse of a different color.

so what is the big deal in making the distinction between the two?

to truly heal the hurt that we are feeling, we must first find the true cause of our pain. using the appropriate term starts the road to self-forgiveness and healing.

you see, a person feels guilt when he or she knowingly does something wrong.

if you found that you had to stop breastfeeding due to an unforeseen medical need, did you do something wrong?

no. but you will most certainly feel regret.

feel regret that you did not get to breastfeed for as long as you wanted. feel regret that you did not have the support you needed and you grew weary of the constant battle. feel regret that all other options were exhausted and weaning your baby was the only choice left.

in my job, i work to assist mothers in meeting their breastfeeding goals. for some women, getting colostrum to the baby during the first few days is their only goal and desire. for others, it is making it to one month. two months. three months. so and so forth.

we celebrate the victories, big and small.

what then, to do about those breastfeeding quotes and those feelings of exclusion?

remember this first and foremost: those quotes are meant to normalize breastfeeding. they are a simple, direct way of getting the point across to those individuals who view breastfeeding as equal to formula feeding and/or who would otherwise not even consider attempting breastfeeding.

but you did attempt it, didn’t you?

therein lies the difference, friends.

guilt immobilizes us. it paralyzes us with a negative self-image and tells us that we are not worthy or capable of making the right decision.

regret however, gives us the power to pinpoint the problem and say “this didn’t work out and i’m disappointed.” you can change the outcome for your next baby. or for another woman and her baby.

enough of the self defeat, ladies. you are stronger and smarter than that.

let’s fix a broken system.

4 Responses to “Guilt vs. Regret”

1. Michelle Says:
   May 19th, 2010 at 9:48 pm

   I cried when I read your article because you acurately described how I feel while shifting my feelings from guilt (and self-blame) to “regret”. I do regret my breastfeeding experience. It was not at all what I expected or wanted and ended up being a monster in my life. My daughter was born with Down syndrome and after spending her first month of life in the NICU would not breastfeed despite the help of 2 seperate lactation consultants. I pumped exclusively for 3 months until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took so much time away from my daughter and drove a wedge between me and my husband as I needed his constant help to look after our child while I was on the pump. It prevented me from being the mother and wife that I wanted to be but I kept doing it because I felt guilty to deny her my milk. I would read about other mothers who pumped exclusively for a year and felt ashamed of myself for wanting to end it sooner. Now that I finally came to terms with transitioning her to formula I am much happier and get a lot more quality time with my daughter which means so much to me. But I do feel sorrow about the way it all turned out; that this was our experience. Thank you for acknowledging that; for acknowledging the grief and properly labeling it as “regret”.

2. Lesh Says:
   May 21st, 2010 at 3:34 pm

   Thank you so much for sharing this article! It helped me come to terms with my stuggle to breastfeed (even though I am still trying at 10 weeks! My baby girl refuses my breast each time but I try. I lacked the knowledge and support for breastfeeding & felt that it was my fault since I didn’t educate myself enough to seek out support or know where to turn. I’ve always been an independent person & figured that I would be depended on by my baby to nourish her. I felt like a failure from day 1, after her birth. I was induced at 39 week, 3 days before the due date due to high blood pressure & dilated 1 1/2 cm. She was born naturally (since I constantly refused to have an epidural). I felt that things will get better from there, but I realized that I should have educated myself about breastfeeding as I did about my first pregnancy. I guess I just assumed that breastfeeding was a natural process, little did I know that it was learned behavior.

   Thanks again for your article!

3. Brandalyn Says:
   June 15th, 2010 at 5:44 pm

   I am SO GLAD I stumbled across this website. I have had a multitude of BF problems. Latching issues, milk supply issues, refusal to BF, etc. Needless to say BF was not quite the bonding experience I expected it to be. I never wanted to give up and have resorted to exclusive pumping. In the beginning I really felt terrible for my baby because her BF expereince was less than pleasurable for both of us and she was mostly stressed out. It only made matters worse when I read info website that described an incorrect latch as a failure from something I did as a mother. In the end, it is better for my baby to receive my milk even if it is from a bottle. Keep up the good work ladies. Don’t give up!

4. Kat Says:
   July 13th, 2010 at 9:16 am

   Thank you so much for this article/poem. It rings true for so many of us - it is good not to be alone in the struggle.

Leave a Reply